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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Rooms
Funny
House
Upstairs
Never
Ceilings
Paintings
Painting

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I took a baby shower.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright