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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ceilings
Paintings
Painting
Humor
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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