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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs
Ceilings
Paintings
Painting
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright