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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Painting
Humor
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs
Ceilings
Paintings

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright