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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ceilings
Paintings
Painting
Humor
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright