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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Paintings
Painting
Humor
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs
Ceilings

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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