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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rooms
Funny
House
Never
Upstairs
Ceilings
Paintings
Painting
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
