Quote

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Told
Somebody
Gone
Rearranged
Funny
Roommate
Place
Furniture
Bedroom
Exactly

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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