Quote

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Told
Somebody
Gone
Rearranged
Funny
Roommate
Place
Furniture
Bedroom
Exactly

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright