Quote

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Told
Somebody
Gone
Rearranged
Funny
Roommate
Place
Furniture
Bedroom
Exactly

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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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