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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Someone
Blenders
Used
Plugged
Phone
Phones
Humor
Went
Called
Funny
Blender
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright