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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Used
Plugged
Phone
Phones
Humor
Went
Called
Funny
Blender
Someone
Blenders
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright