Quote

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Phone
Phones
Humor
Went
Called
Funny
Blender
Someone
Blenders
Used
Plugged

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
Image
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
Image
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
Image
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
Image
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
Image
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
Image
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
Image
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
Image
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
Image
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
Image
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Image
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Image
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
Image
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Image
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright