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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Called
Blender
Funny
Blenders
Someone
Plugged
Used
Phone
Phones
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright