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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Phones
Humor
Went
Called
Blender
Funny
Someone
Blenders
Used
Plugged
Phone
More quotes by Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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