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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Couldn
Humor
Control
Funny
Find
Remote
More quotes by Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I took a baby shower.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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