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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
More quotes by Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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