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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering

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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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