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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
More quotes by Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
