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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering

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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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