Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright