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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot

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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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