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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
More quotes by Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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