Quote

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dead
Cubes
Lasts
Tease
Last
Plants
Funny
Ice
House
Shot
Night
Shots
Plant
Watering
Humor
Teasing

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright