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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Names
Kitten
Funny
Paintings
Art
Museums
Like
Painting
Humor
Boys
Name
Untitled
Fire
Pail
More quotes by Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
