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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Art
Museums
Like
Painting
Humor
Boys
Name
Untitled
Fire
Pail
Names
Kitten
Funny
Paintings

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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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