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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ends
Live
Way
Street
Streets
Humor
Dead
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright