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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Street
Streets
Humor
Dead
Funny
Ends
Live
Way

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright