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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
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Funny
Thinking
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More quotes by Steven Wright
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
