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I can't stop thinking like this.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Stop
Funny
Thinking
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More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright