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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
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Funny
Thinking
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More quotes by Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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