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I can't stop thinking like this.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stop
Funny
Thinking
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Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright