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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
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Funny
Thinking
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More quotes by Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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