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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Naps
Annoying
Consciousness
Sleep
Time
Sleepiness
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More quotes by Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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