Quote

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Goes
Engine
Hours
Engines
Sound
Comedian
Take
Miles
Sounds
Hour
Harmonicas
Amazing
Harmonica
Car
Forgot

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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