Quote

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Take
Miles
Sounds
Hour
Harmonicas
Amazing
Harmonica
Car
Forgot
Goes
Engine
Hours
Engines
Sound
Comedian

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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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