Quote

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Car
Forgot
Goes
Engine
Hours
Engines
Sound
Comedian
Take
Miles
Sounds
Hour
Harmonicas
Amazing
Harmonica

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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