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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tourist
Tourists
Cant
Shoot
Season
Seasons
Humor
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
