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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shoot
Season
Seasons
Humor
Funny
Tourist
Tourists
Cant

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright