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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tourist
Tourists
Cant
Shoot
Season
Seasons
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright