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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tourists
Cant
Shoot
Season
Seasons
Humor
Funny
Tourist

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright