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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Games
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
Joke
Broke
Game
Went

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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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