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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Games
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
Joke
Broke
Game
Went
More quotes by Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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