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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Games
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
Joke
Broke
Game
Went

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I took a baby shower.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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