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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Joke
Broke
Game
Went
Games
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
More quotes by Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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