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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
Joke
Broke
Game
Went
Games

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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