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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Games
Fighting
Fights
Hockey
Joke
Broke
Game

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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