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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Phone
Phones
Bills
Speech
Free
Country

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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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