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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bills
Speech
Free
Country
Phone
Phones

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright