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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Somewhere
Lost
Mind
Disk
Backed
Madness

More quotes by Steven Wright

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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright