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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Okay
Asked
Dies
Forget
Death
Going
Would
Girlfriend
Weird
More quotes by Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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What do batteries run on?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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