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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Weird
Okay
Asked
Dies
Forget
Death
Going
Would
Girlfriend
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright