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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wet
Dry
Ice
Swim
Getting
Inspirational
Without
Melt
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I took a baby shower.
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