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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Without
Melt
Wet
Dry
Ice
Swim
Getting
Inspirational
More quotes by Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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