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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Waiting
Getting
Hours
Water
Amphibians
Funny
Hour
Need
Wait
Needs
Eating
Humor
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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