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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Water
Amphibians
Funny
Hour
Need
Wait
Needs
Eating
Humor
Waiting
Getting
Hours
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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