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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Need
Wait
Needs
Eating
Humor
Waiting
Getting
Hours
Water
Amphibians
Funny
Hour
More quotes by Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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