Quote

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Water
Amphibians
Funny
Hour
Need
Wait
Needs
Eating
Humor
Waiting
Getting
Hours

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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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