Quote

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Doors
Open
Justice
Opener
Garage
Door
Close

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
Image
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
Image
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
Image
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
Image
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Image
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
Image
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
Image
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
Image
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
Image
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
Image
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
Image
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
Image
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
Image
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
Image
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
Image
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
Image
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright