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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Open
Justice
Opener
Garage
Door
Close
Doors
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright