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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Justice
Opener
Garage
Door
Close
Doors
Open

More quotes by Steven Wright

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright