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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Opener
Garage
Door
Close
Doors
Open
Justice

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright