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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Machine
Phones
Machines
Signal
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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