Quote

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Machines
Signal
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine
Phones

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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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