Quote

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Phones
Machines
Signal
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright