Quote

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine
Phones
Machines
Signal
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording

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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright