Quote

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine
Phones
Machines
Signal
Busy
Answering

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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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