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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine
Phones
Machines
Signal
More quotes by Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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What do batteries run on?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright