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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Busy
Answering
Somebody
Signals
Hear
Recording
Home
Calls
Phone
Machine
Phones
Machines
Signal
More quotes by Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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What do batteries run on?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright