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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Words
White
Misspelled
Write
Nails
Doe
Asleep
Writing
Girlfriend
Humor
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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