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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep
Girlfriend
More quotes by Steven Wright
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
