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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep
Girlfriend
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled

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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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