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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep
Girlfriend
More quotes by Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
