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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep
Girlfriend
Humor

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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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